Heatwave

You can tell when the weather is pleasant

By the horrible presence of knees.

And the definite lack of deodorant

In the scents that waft in on the breeze.

There’s a ban against using your hosepipe,

The heat causes rail delays.

The weather man tells us it’s scorching

And predicts it will swelter for days.

There are photos of girls in bikinis

In the newspapers and on TV.

Everyone’s saying it’s hotter

Than the mainland of Spain’s going to be.

You can tell when the weather is warmer

‘Cause the shops have all run out of Coke,

And the neighbours are out in the garden

And you’re smelling their sausagey smoke.

You can tell when the Brits have a heatwave

As they’re telling you how they can’t sleep.

How the air in their room isn’t moving

It’s enough to make anyone weep.

It’s not that it’s much of a problem,

At least, not one that’s likely to stay,

Since glorious weather in Britain

Rarely lasts past the end of the day.

Jeremy Corbyn (For Michael Hogan, with apologies to The Beatles)

(To the tune of Eleanor Rigby)

Ah look at all the Labour people
Ah look at all the Labour people

Jeremy Corbyn, picks up the votes
In the race where Liz Kendall has been
Lives in a dream.
Reading the papers, then he finds out
That he’s been slagged off by Tony Blair
What does he care?

All the Labour people
Where have they all come from?
All the Labour people
Where do they all belong?

Here’s Andy Burnham, toeing the line
And pretending he didn’t wimp out,
He has no doubt!
Look at him working, selling himself
As the one that can make a breakthrough.
But is it true?

All the Labour people
Where do have all come from?
All the Labour people
Where do they all belong?

Ah look at all the Labour people
Ah look at all the Labour people

And Yvette Cooper?  Haven’t a clue what she stands for
Because she won’t say,
Out loud anyway!
Look at Liz Kendall, swearing she’s red
When it seems to the world as if she’s.
Tory instead!

All the Labour people
Where have they all come from?
All the Labour people
Where did it all go wrong?

Government defeated on Syria

In a close-run House of Commons vote, the government’s proposal to introduce a thrilling element of imminent danger to British life has been defeated by 285 to 272 votes.
“I’m not convinced that people understand just how exciting the prospect of war with Syria would have been.” said a disappointed David Cameron. “We could have used the COBRA room. It’s an exciting word – COBRA – it sounds like a snake.” The coalition government, which consists of David Cameron’s Tory party and some other chaps we can never quite remember, had tabled a motion that Britain cement its special relationship with America by doing whatever they tell us to. Again.

Ed Milliband claimed the government defeat as a personal victory, stating “Nn nnn nnnn n nnnn nn nnnnnnnnnn!” although Harriet Harman later insisted that this was not necessarily the case. Labour’s additional motion that ‘This time we want Labour to look like the good guys.’ suffered a resounding defeat after the Tories and (insert the name of the other party when you remember it) decided to present a united front just to see what it felt like.

Although this vote has postponed the prospect of Britain randomly firing missiles at Syria in order to protect its people from harm, David Cameron could not rule out the possibility of bombing Spain.
“I gave up a big chunk of holiday and I’ll be damned if it was for nothing.” he stated, adding “And I’d be grateful if Labour would keep its motions off my table!”

The Deputy Prime Minister, whose name has an ‘S’ in it – possibly – may have been unavailable for comment. We didn’t know who to ask for.

A song for David Cameron (Apologies to Jarvis Cocker) Tune: Common People by Pulp

He went to Eton, Daddy bought him knowledge.
He studied PPE at Brasenose College.

It was free! With no fee!
He never accepts criticism,

He just makes a stab at witticism

And says Halt!

It’s the other party’s fault!

Then he says Talk to me like common people.
I go without like other common people do,

Call me Dave like common people. I’m in it with the common people like you.
Well, what else could I do – I said ‘I, I don’t believe that’s true!’

I took him to a local food bank

Because it’s part of his ‘Big Society’,

A place where food is free,
I said, These people have no dinner,

He just laughed and said, They’d look better thinner.
I said Yeah? Well they look like they’re all thin enough to me.
Are you sure

You go without like common people?
You think you see whatever common people see?
We call you Dave like common people,
But you’re not in it like common people like me.
But he didn’t say a word it was like he hadn’t heard.

 
Don’t give all benefits the chop,

Cut the crap and make more jobs.
Make the millionaires pay tax.

You give them perks behind our backs.
But because you’re on the right,

Your party’s mostly rich and white
So when you say you’ll make things fair,

We know you’ll pay your mates ‘cos you really don’t care.

You’ll never care for common people.
You’ll cut the funds for all things common people do.
You’re sick to death of common people
Because they seldom vote for people like you,

And the other Tories who
Do the stupid things that you do.

Listen to the common people,

For a change and their words just might get thru’
Spare a thought for the common people.
They’re in a mess and it’s partly because of you. 

And the selfish things that you do.
Because you think the poor are fools!

You want to take from common people,

You want to blame the common people! Repeat to end.