Getting lost

Somebody told me, today, that I’m the image of my mother; apparently, they think he’ll be out of the cast by March. Don’t judge me! Unless your mother is Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron, it’s not what a woman wants to hear. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that and I have to grudgingly admit that it’s true. I have her blonde hair and her blue eyes; I should give them back really – she’s scaring the kids. We do look alike, though, and I’ve inherited other things from her: a love of reading, a memory that seems hardwired to store poetry, dates, useless facts and phone numbers, a virtual addiction to olives and big feet.

It’s harder to say what I’ve inherited from my dad. Perhaps when all my hair drops out, it’ll be easier to spot any resemblance but, looks-wise, it’s difficult to see any similarities. My squidgy nose is nothing like his Roman one and in spite of his brown eyes, a recessive blue-eyed gene obviously allowed me to take after Mammy. I also have excessively long femurs as opposed to his tiny ones that meant I’d have to push the car seat back a foot if I drove his car.

Looks aren’t everything though and I take after him in other ways: I don’t like to spend money unnecessarily, so I’ll have the washing machine in pieces year after year rather than buy another; I love a good detective programme and have shared many a happy hour with him, watching Columbo or the Rockford Files, and I have one of the most appalling senses of direction ever seen in a person who hasn’t been blindfolded and spun for an hour on the Waltzers. My brother-in-law nicknamed my dad ‘Pathfinder’ and it wasn’t a tribute. All who have ever had a lift from him have come to dread the tell-tale signs that a ‘short-cut’ was imminent: the turn down an apparently innocuous side road, the inevitable three-point turn when we would meet the dead end, followed by the attempt to retrace some or all of the turns that had led to us being hopelessly lost and, often, irretrievably late for an appointment. Similarly, I have been known to get lost in my own work building – although I must point out that this was before I worked from home – and after a drive through Aintree, I caused hilarity in the office by asking the question “What racecourse?” Yes, truly, I am ‘Daughter of Pathfinder’.

So, I know that I am in some way ‘a chip off the old block’ and this is a comfort because, earlier this month, he died. At the age of 91, after a lifetime of working hard and being daft and funny when it was right to be daft and funny and being serious when it was right to be serious and being the western world’s foremost advocate for the eating of bananas, he collapsed in the house with my mum, for whom he had long been a carer, and there was nothing anybody could do for him. After being lost with my dad or on my own so often, in many ways now, I think I’ll always be lost.

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We Wish You a Merry Christmas (Uncensored)

Having discussed the absolute barefaced cheek of these people demanding pudding with menaces with @ClareNewton on Twitter, I have added the inevitable final verses that show that karma can be a bitch.

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

Oh, bring us some figgy pudding;

Oh, bring us some figgy pudding;

Oh, bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

We won’t go until we get some;

We won’t go until we get some;

We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

That bear looks a little hungry;

That bear looks a little hungry;

That bear looks a little hungry and it’s heading right here.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

It’s sniffing its way towards us;

It’s sniffing its way towards us;

It’s sniffing its way towards us and it’s horribly near.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

We won’t live to see this Christmas;

We won’t live to see this Christmas;

We won’t live to see this Christmas as the bear is now here.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.