“Turn It Off” (To the tune of ‘Let It Go’)

With apologies to Disney. Please don’t sue me.

The kids are watching a film tonight,
Not a murmur to be heard.
They watched the same film twice today,
Now they’re going for a third.
I know the script as though I wrote the thing myself
Should have put it on a higher shelf.
Don’t want to know.  Don’t want to see
Another snowman dance in front of me.
The constant singing drives me mad.
It’s really bad!

Turn it off!  Turn it off!
Can’t stand this thing anymore!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Like I asked you to before!
I don’t care
If it keeps you quiet
If you don’t stop soon,
I’ll hunt down the person who made me buy it!

It’s funny how my patience
Has almost worn away
Since the time you started watching this
A hundred times a day!
I try to change the DVD
You beg, you plead, you want to see
The stupid thing again.  But why?  I cry!

Turn it off! Turn it off!
And I’ll buy you all KFC!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
And watch Toy Story 3!

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
If this thing stays on …!

I grab the DVD and throw it out the door
And now I’ll never have to hear that singing anymore
But then I realise the flaw within my plan
They’ll make me sit through High School Musical again!

Get it back! Get it back!
Just don’t make me sing along
Get it back, get it back
Though it’s such a catchy song

I give in
You can have your way.
Put the film back on,
I’ll just put my headphones on anyway!

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We Wish You a Merry Christmas (Uncensored)

Having discussed the absolute barefaced cheek of these people demanding pudding with menaces with @ClareNewton on Twitter, I have added the inevitable final verses that show that karma can be a bitch.

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

Oh, bring us some figgy pudding;

Oh, bring us some figgy pudding;

Oh, bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

We won’t go until we get some;

We won’t go until we get some;

We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas;

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

That bear looks a little hungry;

That bear looks a little hungry;

That bear looks a little hungry and it’s heading right here.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

It’s sniffing its way towards us;

It’s sniffing its way towards us;

It’s sniffing its way towards us and it’s horribly near.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

We won’t live to see this Christmas;

We won’t live to see this Christmas;

We won’t live to see this Christmas as the bear is now here.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;

Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Nigel, It’s Cold Outside!

Aside

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        Nigel, it’s cold outside!

NIGEL:                       We’ve got to get away!

NICK:                        But Nigel, it’s cold outside!

NIGEL:                       The EU has been

NICK:                        We’d all be much better in!

NIGEL:                       So bad for us!

NICK:                        You UKIP types make such a fuss!

NIGEL:                       Romanians are planning invasions!

NICK:                        It’s just in your imaginations!

NIGEL:                       Bulgarians are on their way here!

NICK:                        Some therapy might help with that fear!

NIGEL:                       We’re safeguarding jobs and houses

NICK:                        I really think you’re all mouth and trousers!

NIGEL:                       So, we propose to padlock the door!

NICK:                        I don’t know what you’re worrying for!

NIGEL:                       The neighbours all stink!

NICK:                        Nigel, there’s wealth out there!

NIGEL:                       I feel like a drink!

NICK:                        There’s fine German beer out there!

NIGEL:                       I’m sure this is how

NICK:                        You sound a bit desperate now!

NIGEL:                       To win more seats!

NICK:                         Your party’s full of nuts and freaks.

NIGEL:                       We have to say “No, no, no!”, sir.

NICK:                        The union’s going to keep growing closer!

NIGEL:                       At least I have some national pride!

NICK:                        A wilderness awaits us outside!

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        You don’t even turn up!!

NIGEL:                       (SIMULTANEOUSLY) It won’t be that cold outside!

NICK:                        (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Oh, but it’s cold outside!           

NIGEL:                       This island is packed!

NICK:                        Your name doesn’t come from here!

NIGEL:                       We just have to act!

NICK:                        Your wife doesn’t come from here!

NIGEL:                       We’re making a stand!

NICK:                        You’re drinking another beer!

NIGEL:                       Why can’t you see?

NICK:                         We’ll lose our trade – where will we be?

NIGEL:                       The people want to make this decision!

NICK:                        They also want to win Eurovision!

NIGEL:                       We want the right to do things our way!

NICK:                        As long as you’re not married and gay!

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        Why not move to Scotland?

NIGEL/NICK:             Because it’s coooooold ooooooutsiiiiide!

Twitter Blues

Woke up this morning.  I lay in my bed.

The thought of getting out of it

Just filled me with some kind of dread.

I force myself to the keyboard

And I search right through my head,

But every thing I want to say has already been said!

 

 I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues!

 

I could riff on the rules of Fight Club.  That’s got to be worth a try.

But I’m not allowed to talk about that!

It makes me want to cry!

Or a horse could walk into a bar,

The barman’s got something to say

About someone’s long face, it’s just a disgrace!

There must be a better way!

 

I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues!

 

So I read through the news for material

And an article catches my eye.

It involves a Tory minister

And the thoughts begin to fly!

I type in a kind of fever

‘Til I’m happy I got it all right!

But then somebody writes “ You can’t tweet that!

I did that one last night!”

 

I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues! 

 

I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of a single thing that ain’t already been said on Twitter blues’!

Oh Yeaaaahh!