Parliament Reels as Cameron Quits!

In a move that has rocked the British political scene, David Cameron has announced his retirement from politics with immediate effect and is to become the host of a late night chat show. The shock move came in the wake of the £1.7bn bill from the EU, which is due to be paid by December 1st. Sources close to the former Prime Minister say that he had been considering stepping down for some time and this latest crisis gave him the incentive to take the drastic step.

As a result of his resignation, the Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg, is now Prime Minister and, although an official statement has not yet been made, it is believed that Esther McVey is to be the new Deputy Prime Minister. Just minutes after Cameron informed the world of his decision, with rumours of the new leadership team running rife, the value of the pound plummeted, net migration dropped steeply as British and foreign nationals fled to the continent and Scotland requested a second independence referendum.

Although he refused to be interviewed on camera, David Cameron was recorded in the lobby of the House of Commons, saying “I don’t know where they think we can get £1.7bn from, this close to Christmas. I’ve promised Manchester a high-speed railway and I haven’t even finished paying for Birmingham’s library. It’s just take, take, take with these cities. Do they say ‘thank you’? No!” When asked to elaborate on his remarks, Mr Cameron refused, claiming he had a prior appointment with the controller of Channel 5.

While there has yet to be confirmation, a member of the scheduling team at Channel 5, who has asked to remain anonymous, has suggested that the proposed chat show is to follow a light entertainment format. Guests will discuss their latest projects, share a few glasses of wine and perform a song and dance duet with the former Prime Minister. Suggested titles are said to include ‘Croon with Cameron’ and ‘Dave’s Duets’. Russell Brand is expected to be the guest on the first episode, which is scheduled to air shortly before the general election.

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Nigel, It’s Cold Outside!

Aside

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        Nigel, it’s cold outside!

NIGEL:                       We’ve got to get away!

NICK:                        But Nigel, it’s cold outside!

NIGEL:                       The EU has been

NICK:                        We’d all be much better in!

NIGEL:                       So bad for us!

NICK:                        You UKIP types make such a fuss!

NIGEL:                       Romanians are planning invasions!

NICK:                        It’s just in your imaginations!

NIGEL:                       Bulgarians are on their way here!

NICK:                        Some therapy might help with that fear!

NIGEL:                       We’re safeguarding jobs and houses

NICK:                        I really think you’re all mouth and trousers!

NIGEL:                       So, we propose to padlock the door!

NICK:                        I don’t know what you’re worrying for!

NIGEL:                       The neighbours all stink!

NICK:                        Nigel, there’s wealth out there!

NIGEL:                       I feel like a drink!

NICK:                        There’s fine German beer out there!

NIGEL:                       I’m sure this is how

NICK:                        You sound a bit desperate now!

NIGEL:                       To win more seats!

NICK:                         Your party’s full of nuts and freaks.

NIGEL:                       We have to say “No, no, no!”, sir.

NICK:                        The union’s going to keep growing closer!

NIGEL:                       At least I have some national pride!

NICK:                        A wilderness awaits us outside!

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        You don’t even turn up!!

NIGEL:                       (SIMULTANEOUSLY) It won’t be that cold outside!

NICK:                        (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Oh, but it’s cold outside!           

NIGEL:                       This island is packed!

NICK:                        Your name doesn’t come from here!

NIGEL:                       We just have to act!

NICK:                        Your wife doesn’t come from here!

NIGEL:                       We’re making a stand!

NICK:                        You’re drinking another beer!

NIGEL:                       Why can’t you see?

NICK:                         We’ll lose our trade – where will we be?

NIGEL:                       The people want to make this decision!

NICK:                        They also want to win Eurovision!

NIGEL:                       We want the right to do things our way!

NICK:                        As long as you’re not married and gay!

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        Why not move to Scotland?

NIGEL/NICK:             Because it’s coooooold ooooooutsiiiiide!

Government defeated on Syria

In a close-run House of Commons vote, the government’s proposal to introduce a thrilling element of imminent danger to British life has been defeated by 285 to 272 votes.
“I’m not convinced that people understand just how exciting the prospect of war with Syria would have been.” said a disappointed David Cameron. “We could have used the COBRA room. It’s an exciting word – COBRA – it sounds like a snake.” The coalition government, which consists of David Cameron’s Tory party and some other chaps we can never quite remember, had tabled a motion that Britain cement its special relationship with America by doing whatever they tell us to. Again.

Ed Milliband claimed the government defeat as a personal victory, stating “Nn nnn nnnn n nnnn nn nnnnnnnnnn!” although Harriet Harman later insisted that this was not necessarily the case. Labour’s additional motion that ‘This time we want Labour to look like the good guys.’ suffered a resounding defeat after the Tories and (insert the name of the other party when you remember it) decided to present a united front just to see what it felt like.

Although this vote has postponed the prospect of Britain randomly firing missiles at Syria in order to protect its people from harm, David Cameron could not rule out the possibility of bombing Spain.
“I gave up a big chunk of holiday and I’ll be damned if it was for nothing.” he stated, adding “And I’d be grateful if Labour would keep its motions off my table!”

The Deputy Prime Minister, whose name has an ‘S’ in it – possibly – may have been unavailable for comment. We didn’t know who to ask for.

An Ode to Ed Balls (entirely untrue)

He’s the man on everybody’s tweets

And yet he is a mystery

What will be said about young Ed

When someone writes his history?

For no-one knows the many things

That he has done in secret,

So let us take a moment to

List all ‘til he deletes it.

 

‘Twas Ed who wrote all Shakespeare’s verse

From Puck to Desdemona,

He rescued Ernest Hemingway

From goring in Pamplona.

He sang the chord that David lost

In a voice that goes right through ya.

So Leonard Cohen borrowed it

And called it Hallelujah.

 

He taught Paul Hollywood to bake

And also Mary Berry.

He was the first to slice up bread

And he’s BOTH Ben AND Jerry!

If you think Brian Cox is smart

He’s not a patch on Ed!

He solved Fermat’s last theorem

And he did it in his head!

 

He taught Dame Margot Fonteyn

And Nureyev to dance.

He designed the maze at Hampton Court

And M.C. Hammer’s pants.

When Moriarty was pulled down

The cold Reichenbach Falls

It wasn’t really Holmes at all

The hero was Ed Balls.

 

So let us all give thanks for Ed

On this, his special day.

And think of all his wondrous deeds

That cause us all to say:

Without Ed Balls where would we be?

What tweets would we be writing?

Suarez, horsemeat, Triple A?

Ed’s so much more exciting!

#EdBalls

This is about Ed Balls, a British politician who accidentally tweeted his own name and has been mercilessly ribbed about it ever since. The topic was suggested by Paolo Albertella since Twitter is celebrating Ed Balls Day!

A song for David Cameron (Apologies to Jarvis Cocker) Tune: Common People by Pulp

He went to Eton, Daddy bought him knowledge.
He studied PPE at Brasenose College.

It was free! With no fee!
He never accepts criticism,

He just makes a stab at witticism

And says Halt!

It’s the other party’s fault!

Then he says Talk to me like common people.
I go without like other common people do,

Call me Dave like common people. I’m in it with the common people like you.
Well, what else could I do – I said ‘I, I don’t believe that’s true!’

I took him to a local food bank

Because it’s part of his ‘Big Society’,

A place where food is free,
I said, These people have no dinner,

He just laughed and said, They’d look better thinner.
I said Yeah? Well they look like they’re all thin enough to me.
Are you sure

You go without like common people?
You think you see whatever common people see?
We call you Dave like common people,
But you’re not in it like common people like me.
But he didn’t say a word it was like he hadn’t heard.

 
Don’t give all benefits the chop,

Cut the crap and make more jobs.
Make the millionaires pay tax.

You give them perks behind our backs.
But because you’re on the right,

Your party’s mostly rich and white
So when you say you’ll make things fair,

We know you’ll pay your mates ‘cos you really don’t care.

You’ll never care for common people.
You’ll cut the funds for all things common people do.
You’re sick to death of common people
Because they seldom vote for people like you,

And the other Tories who
Do the stupid things that you do.

Listen to the common people,

For a change and their words just might get thru’
Spare a thought for the common people.
They’re in a mess and it’s partly because of you. 

And the selfish things that you do.
Because you think the poor are fools!

You want to take from common people,

You want to blame the common people! Repeat to end.