Voter Fatigue

I’m sick to the back teeth of voting,

I’m really fed up with that cross.

Not least because most of my choices

Have been on the side of a loss.

I don’t want the Tories in power,

I don’t want to leave the EU.

I didn’t choose chocolate digestives

And I’m baffled they ever got through.

I’m dreading the team on my doorstep,

Insisting that they are the best,

That they will keep every promise

And not lie to me like the rest.

My TV’s already a nightmare.

My nerves are beginning to fray.

As it seems that, for no valid reason,

Farage has been on every day.

I’m sick to the back teeth of voting,

It’s all unbelievably bleak.

Especially now that it seems like

It’s happening every week.

Although it’s a bit of a nuisance,

There’s no way I’m going to abstain.

No matter who ends up in power,

I vote for my right to complain.

Advertisements

Headline

Every day another headline

Telling us who we should blame,

Pointing out the ways we’re different,

Hiding how we’re just the same.

Bones and blood and hair and humour,

Fears and tears and lack of sleep.

Money problems, aching muscles,

Loneliness that bites in deep.

 

Truth be damned, they print their stories,

Push the message year on year.

Till it seeps into the zeitgeist,

Building up a wall of fear.

Fear of who will use our doctors,

Take our jobs and fill our schools,

Fear of who’ll ride on our buses,

Cross our borders, make our rules.

 

Every day another headline,

More divisive that the last.

Trying to convince us all that

Things were better in the past.

Pints and pounds and flags and passports,

Bent bananas, greener fields,

Safer streets and stronger toasters,

Unrestricted fishing yields.

 

“Be afraid!” their constant message,

“Pick a scapegoat, have no doubt,

That you shouldn’t trust ‘the other’;

Drive them backwards, push them out.”

Read the headlines if you want to,

Just remember as you do.

This is all to make them richer,

They’re not looking out for you.

Snowflake

I’m a whinging lefty libtard

Here I sit and cry all day.

I have to take my blue pill

So the truth will go away.

Because ‘alt-right isn’t Nazi’

And ‘to them belongs tomorrow’;

But we’re precious little snowflakes

Who are half submerged in sorrow.

I’m a rabid, raving feminist,

I’m hacking at men’s rights.

And when I’m not too busy

I break off to outlaw whites.

I’m always getting triggered

‘Cause I’m such a loony cuck.

I’m signalling my virtue

‘Cause I want the world to look.

It’s ethics in games journalism!

Pussy grabbing’s banter.

Don’t pay me any mind, I’m just

A safe-space-seeking ranter.

I’ve got rainbows on my earrings,

Want equality for all,

I’m the B in LGBTQ.

And don’t support Trump’s wall.

I think Breitbart is a Nazi rag,

Steve Bannon’s just a dick.

And I’d tell @PrisonPlanet

To go spin on a sharp stick.

I’ll still be a Remoaner

Through all my remoaning years

And I’d let the English Channel

Overflow with liberal tears.

Like some blue-haired Tumblrina

I prefer to mix with sheeple

‘Cause I love my echo chamber and

Avoid the normal people,

I’m a whinging lefty libtard,

I’m PC and proud of it.

But at least I’m not a red-pill pushing

Post-truth, alt-right shit.

The Will of the People

MPs have voted by a majority of 384 to allow the prime minister, Theresa May, to trigger Article 51, the process which will lead to the reintroduction of the death penalty.  The bill proposing the change has successfully progressed through its first reading in spite of a great deal of dissent in the House of Commons.  The debate and subsequent vote were themselves the subject of controversy after an order by the Supreme Court to allow parliament a say in whether or not to set the changes in motion, with the government insisting that parliamentary permission was not required.  They have repeatedly refused to confirm the cost of the court case.

Notable rebels against the passing of the bill include all SNP MPs, who claim they must respect the position of the Scottish people, as both Scotland and Northern Ireland voted against the death penalty, as well as Conservative MP Ken Clarke and 47 Labour parliamentarians who all defied a three line whip issued by Jeremy Corbyn.  The official position of both the government and Labour is that the death penalty must return in accordance with the wishes of the 51.9% who voted ‘Yes’ in the advisory referendum, which had a 72.2% turnout.

Despite a number of the Pro-Death Penalty Alliance’s claims being widely discredited since the referendum in June 2016, MPs and other campaigners insist that to fail to implement the death penalty would be a betrayal of democracy.  President Trump has congratulated the British people on their bold decision and insists that it will strengthen the special relationship between the UK and the US.

 

Brexit?

Should we stay or should we go?

How are we supposed to know?

Come on! Give us all a clue.

On how to vote on the EU!

Heard some info from camp Leave;

They would have us all believe

If we stay, by 2020,

We’ll be full and Poland empty

And our toasters will be dead,

Making only lukewarm bread.

English breakfast will be over,

So they want a wall at Dover!

Camp Remain don’t think that way.

But they have a lot to say:

“If we make this ‘great escape’

We’ll be swimming in red tape.

We’ll be outcasts and pariahs.

Ignore ‘Leave’, they’re rotten liars!

There’ll be almost no jobs left.

A leave vote leaves us all bereft.”

Farage and co are very clear

“Remain are playing on your fear!

Brits can flourish, stand united,

Beer in hands and ciggies lighted.

No more Brussels, laws and rules.

They think we’re a gang of fools

Forcing human rights on all

Don’t know how they have the gall!”

Who to follow?  Who to choose?

Who will win and who will lose?

Once we’re all put through our paces,

Hope that UKIP shut their faces.

The Ballad of Dennis Skinner

In parliament, a man stood up to speak,

To comment on developments of late;

On how, due to a much-reported leak,

The cracks had widened in our fragile state.

With reference to the Premier’s affairs,

Which scrutiny now had revealed as lax,

And piled upon his growing stack of cares

A deep and burning int’rest in his tax.

This man, a vet’ran of Westminster’s halls,

Whose frequent barbs had gained a certain fame,

Was heard to raise his voice above the calls,

Of ‘Sit back down!’, ‘Uncalled for!’ and ‘For shame!’

Though from expulsion none could this man save,

‘Twas worth it for the name of ‘Dodgy Dave’!

 

Trends (A poem incorporating a Twitter trending list)

On Twitter, there’s a golden rule,

To break it you must be a fool:

Stay in the safety of your friends,

Avoid exploring breaking trends.

For there be dragons, trolls and hate

Pedants and know-alls lie in wait.

A brief scan down the list will show

There’s not that much you’d care to know:

Bill Clinton raging at the crowd,

No Star Wars spoilers are allowed.

Ken Livingstone’s not paid his tax

(His book-keeping must be quite lax).

The IPL opening ceremony,

For cricket fans a better day than many,

Showed some style with joie de vivre

And more acts than you would believe.

On Ladies Day at Aintree races

Women show their pristine faces,

Framed with feathers, jewels and net,

Quite the fascinating set.

Pope Francis, from the holy Vatican

Showed the waiting people that he can

Tell his church to stop its messing,

Give all its people every blessing,

Divorced or separate, gay or straight,

Don’t hold your breath, there’ll be a wait.

Some call for our PM to quit

“Resign Cameron!” (He’s in the shit!)

No Friday feeling, I surmise

In Number 10 where Cameron lies.

It’s not all gloom, I’ve been too hasty

Some tweeters can make Motown tasty,

Smokey Bacon Robinson

And Lionel Rich Tea follow on.

Will Dortmund lose to LFC?

I hope so, but let’s wait and see.

Remember, if your timeline’s cosy,

The trends are best left to the nosy!twitter

A Sonnet on the Process of Question Time

Aloft they sit in curvèd, stilted sight.

Such experts as might be brought to expound

Upon whatever subjects come to light

Wherein politic terrors may abound.

Amid them all a man with snowy hair

And ties as wondrous as the world might see,

Who fixes each one with his steely glare

Inducing in them all a wish to flee.

But more than they, the watchers rule the roost

As, questioning, they test the panel’s will

To give their own agendas some small boost.

For answers, though, the watchers press them still.

‘Tis rare that any answers quell the doubt

Once Question Time is done and all head out.

 

 

 

 

North Pole to be relocated to the South Pole

In an unexpected announcement, Russia, Denmark, Canada, Norway and the United States have revealed that the Arctic region is to be transported southwards until it becomes a continuation of the Antarctic.  The unprecedented accord between traditionally hostile countries has been brought about during specially arranged discussions over a period of months and orchestrated by a United Nations special committee.

“It seemed logical to combine the two areas for a number of reasons” said a spokesperson.  “With the ice caps melting, there have been large gaps between ice fields and these can now be eliminated.  Furthermore, exploratory expeditions don’t need to pick one area to travel to because they’ll be going to both poles at once.  It’s very economical.”  It had been suggested that the motives for stripping the North Pole of its ice might involve making access easier for oil drills but this has been hotly refuted by all parties.  “If it happens to make things easier for Shell, then that’s an unintended side effect.” remarked one member of the special committee, who declined to reveal how many of its number have shares in the controversial oil company.

northpole

The Arctic in its present location

Conservation groups have issued statements of concern over the fate of the Arctic fauna, such as the polar bear and the Arctic fox; while the specific concerns have yet to be addressed, a brief rebuttal was issued, claiming that the mathematical projections have been promising for most animals ‘apart from the penguins and there are loads of them’.

 

 

Discussions have yet to take place regarding the name for the newly expanded region, although there have been a number of ideas generated by Twitter users.  At the last count, the most popular possibilities were Biarctica, Panpolia and the Northern Powerhouse.

Conspiracy theorist thwarted by Lemmy’s birthdate

A professional conspiracy theorist from Kent has expressed disappointment that Ian ‘Lemmy’ Kilmister, of the band Motörhead, didn’t die five days earlier, when he was still 69.  Dan Lessing, 44, claims this ruined his chances of fabricating a perfect conspiracy theory from the tragic coincidence of both David Bowie and Alan Rickman dying aged 69 from cancer, the disease that also killed Lemmy.  “I’m totally devastated at the deaths of these giants of the entertainment world.” Lessing told us, “But as they’re gone anyway, it’s just a shame I can’t make their passing a little more dramatic and sinister with a rumour that dark forces were involved.  Or the royal family, which is much the same.”

The father of four, who gave up his insurance sales job in 1997 to focus on perfecting a conspiracy theory about Diana, Princess of Wales, said he had considered trying out a couple of theories regarding Bowie and Rickman, but added “Everybody knows there have to be at least three for it to catch on.”

Mixed success

Some of Lessing’s better known conspiracies include the Wingdings font predicting the 911 attacks, cars which run on household rubbish being suppressed by the oil industry and the existence of a cure for the common cold since 1968.  While these have gained considerable support, many of Lessings attempts have fallen flat:

  • In 2004, he said that David James had died in a car accident and been replaced in the England squad by a female lookalike from a rugby union club in Hull
  • In 2010, he claimed there was evidence that Ken Bruce was the Grand Master of the British cadre of the Illuminati
  • Since 1999, he has cast doubt that the Battle of Hastings happened, insisting that the Bayeux Tapestry was just a big comic strip, intended only for entertainment purposes

In spite of experiencing these setbacks, Lessing sees great hope for his profession in the future due to the rise of social media.  “In 1997, I spent weeks sending letters to newspapers and telling people in the pub what had really happened to Diana – God rest her beautiful soul – and it cost me a fortune in stamps and beer.  Nowadays, I only need to tweet once and it turns up everywhere.”

When we asked him if he was working on anything at the moment, he said he was keeping a close eye on some 69-year-old celebrities and had a ‘special project’ in the pipeline; he refused to elaborate much due to fears that someone may steal his theory. He hinted, however, that it involves Jeremy Corbyn, a Russian cloning laboratory and a reported grave robbing at Highgate Cemetery in 1948.