Twitter Blues

Woke up this morning.  I lay in my bed.

The thought of getting out of it

Just filled me with some kind of dread.

I force myself to the keyboard

And I search right through my head,

But every thing I want to say has already been said!


 I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues!


I could riff on the rules of Fight Club.  That’s got to be worth a try.

But I’m not allowed to talk about that!

It makes me want to cry!

Or a horse could walk into a bar,

The barman’s got something to say

About someone’s long face, it’s just a disgrace!

There must be a better way!


I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues!


So I read through the news for material

And an article catches my eye.

It involves a Tory minister

And the thoughts begin to fly!

I type in a kind of fever

‘Til I’m happy I got it all right!

But then somebody writes “ You can’t tweet that!

I did that one last night!”


I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues! 


I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of a single thing that ain’t already been said on Twitter blues’!

Oh Yeaaaahh!


Scientists announce the latest in a long line of obvious conclusions

Scientists investigating why birds fly in a v-formation have completed a long and expensive study, before coming to a conclusion that was obvious to everybody else in the first place.  The news that birds do this to utilise slipstreams to make flying less tiring has, in fact, been known for decades and has advanced scientific knowledge in no way whatsoever.

Interestingly, this isn’t a new phenomenon in the scientific world; many studies have been carried out which have resulted in announcements that could only be described as absolutely bleedin’ obvious.  A recent investigation, for example, has concluded that drinking alcohol every day can lead to memory loss in middle-aged men.  With no further investigation whatsoever, I can confirm that this would also apply to young or old men and, indeed, to women.  In spite of the fact that I have just saved the scientific community a large sum of money and a considerable amount of time, I can confidently predict that they will not be thanking me for providing this information.  The sad truth is that they enjoy making these completely predictable announcements and enjoying the brief limelight that accompanies them.

While the current glut of scientific information regarding the shocking revelation that sugar is bad for us is omnipresent throughout the media, in spite of the fact that losing teeth, gaining weight and developing diabetes were all adequate clues, scientists are beginning to panic about where to turn next in order to maximise attention.  I have some suggestions for research proposals:

  • Study to determine whether cats like sleeping
  • Investigation into the correlation between insomnia and tiredness
  • Mapping the extent of woody flora in bears’ preferred defecating sites
  • The religion and denomination of popes since Peter the First

Of course, I could tell them the answers, but I wouldn’t want to spoil their fun.

Mersey New Year

At the top of the hill, in the dark, looking down

Counting the seconds with the waiting town.

The lights fizzle up as the numbers fall by

Painting a new year across the black sky.

A palette of hope paints a storm of delight,

Bringing a false day to bear on the night.

But through all the booming, the singing, the roars

Come the sounds of the boats off the Mersey’s bright shores.

Pushing their voices, their deafening call

To make sure the river gets the last say of all.

The one thing that means New Year to me is the sound of the foghorns on the boats on the Mersey.  It’s a beautiful sound that could contend with any choir.  It says “I’m still here!”  Happy New Year.