Before Twitter

Before Twitter

I didn’t lose hours each day.

Before Twitter

I could watch films with subtitles.

Before Twitter

My laundry pile was smaller.

Before Twitter

I’d hear what my kids would say.

Before Twitter

I sometimes saw the sun.

Before Twitter

I wrote more than short lines.

Before Twitter

I’d often read a book.

Before Twitter

I got my housework done.

Before Twitter

I drank tea that was hot.

Before Twitter

I sometimes stretched my legs.

Before Twitter

I think I went to work.

Before Twitter

I don’t remember what …

Before Twitter

I rarely shared a joke.

Before Twitter

I rarely wrote a poem.

Before Twitter

Nobody saw my cats.

Before Twitter

I shied from other folk.

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A Sonnet for Twitter

@ Twitter, you are home to many kinds

Of user, from the timid to the bold.

A broad assorted smorgasbord of minds,

Day in, day out, their stories will unfold.

So many logging on to share a pun,

Or joke about the stories of the day,

While those there are who seek to chat in fun;

Some find a friend or lover on the way.

Yet, sat behind their keyboards and their phones,

Are people with insidious intent,

Who tweet to all in harsh and bitter tones

Or feign offense no matter what was meant.

The likes of these are seldom worth a look.

For them, I have this message “Off you fuck!”

Get the Facts

I read this on the internet – it’s definitely true.

About a man in Sweden who’s opened up a zoo.

It’s full of creepy animals you wouldn’t find elsewhere:

A hipporhinoelephant, a kangoala bear.

They had a load of photographs, the way they often do

But I read it on the internet; that’s how I know it’s true!

 

I read this thing on Facebook – it’s definitely real.

About how you can lose a pound each time you eat a meal.

It’s all to do with science and the calories we burn

And how some foods just melt your fat; it’s mad, the things you learn!

You have to buy a DVD but it’s a total steal

And I saw it all on Facebook so that’s how I know it’s real.

 

I read a thing on Twitter – I’m positive it’s right.

About how it’s okay to tweet with venom and with spite

If you don’t like how someone looks or how they think or tweet

Or even if it’s just that what they wrote was a repeat.

Disliking an opinion is enough to pick a fight.

And I read it all on Twitter so it must be right!  Right?

Trends (A poem incorporating a Twitter trending list)

On Twitter, there’s a golden rule,

To break it you must be a fool:

Stay in the safety of your friends,

Avoid exploring breaking trends.

For there be dragons, trolls and hate

Pedants and know-alls lie in wait.

A brief scan down the list will show

There’s not that much you’d care to know:

Bill Clinton raging at the crowd,

No Star Wars spoilers are allowed.

Ken Livingstone’s not paid his tax

(His book-keeping must be quite lax).

The IPL opening ceremony,

For cricket fans a better day than many,

Showed some style with joie de vivre

And more acts than you would believe.

On Ladies Day at Aintree races

Women show their pristine faces,

Framed with feathers, jewels and net,

Quite the fascinating set.

Pope Francis, from the holy Vatican

Showed the waiting people that he can

Tell his church to stop its messing,

Give all its people every blessing,

Divorced or separate, gay or straight,

Don’t hold your breath, there’ll be a wait.

Some call for our PM to quit

“Resign Cameron!” (He’s in the shit!)

No Friday feeling, I surmise

In Number 10 where Cameron lies.

It’s not all gloom, I’ve been too hasty

Some tweeters can make Motown tasty,

Smokey Bacon Robinson

And Lionel Rich Tea follow on.

Will Dortmund lose to LFC?

I hope so, but let’s wait and see.

Remember, if your timeline’s cosy,

The trends are best left to the nosy!twitter

To-do List

I meant to wash the dishes,
I meant to clean the floor,
I had a list of jobs to do,
I wrote it out before.
But then I was distracted,
The list remains as long.
The laundry’s in the basket
And my schedule has gone wrong.
I should have done the shopping;
The cupboard’s almost bare.
I need to write a poem,
I should also wash my hair!
There’s still no dinner on the stove,
My coat remains unmended.
I’ve yet to wash the bathroom sink,
My plans have been upended.
I thought I was so organised,
I can’t help feeling bitter,
Imagining how things would be
If I hadn’t opened Twitter.

Voter Blues

Not long to the election,
Yet I’ve still to decide
Which party I’ll be voting for.
I need to pick a side.
I could just choose the one that claims that their ways are the best?
But, sadly, that just won’t make one stand out from all the rest!
It’s hard to know just what to do
When each day on the news
The parties slag each other off.
I’ve got the voter blues.
So busy are the candidates reporting others’ sins
They have no time to sell themselves; it’s hard to care who wins.
Some parties are just racist;
Some only like high earners.
Some blatantly have no respect
For nurses, mums or learners.
I read through manifestos ‘til I see them in my sleep,
There’s no-one who’s a perfect fit, it makes me want to weep.
I fill my every waking hour,
With focussed contemplation
On where I ought to put my cross
For who will lead the nation.
I pore over the literature and go to every meeting
In hopes of finding someone who will get me paid for tweeting!

Topical

I need to stop reading the papers.
I need to stop watching the news.
I ought to block out all the current affairs
And any apps journalists use.
My blood pressure’s making me worry
My stress just continues to rise.
Insomnia plagues me at every turn
But I can’t say that that’s a surprise.
The internet always bombards me
With snippets and items and stuff
About bad politicians and blood-sucking banks
It’s no wonder I’ve just had enough.
It’s not just that it’s often awful.
It’s not that such horrors are rife.
It’s simply not new information.
I’ve been hearing this all of my life!
The problem that’s driving me crazy,
The reason my brain may just burst
Is the lengths that I find I must go to
For my topical tweets to be first.

Twenty-first Century Prayer

O, Lord, let not my Bluetooth fail

Make all my passwords strong.

Protect my battery from all harm

And make its lifespan long.

O, Lord, may all my tweets be great.

And many find them witty.

May hosts of favourites come my way

And not just out of pity.

O, Lord, when I am in my car

Turn all the lights to green.

If birds should fly above me

Keep their crap from my windscreen.

O, Lord, make sure my TV shows

Don’t meet a sticky end.

Keep spoilers from my eyes and ears

Lest I should lose a friend.

O, Lord, deliver tasty food:

The type that comes with fries.

But keep its stores of harmful fat

From clinging to my thighs.

O, Lord, I do the lottery.

Please help me win a prize,

So I can have these bags removed

From underneath my eyes.

O, Lord, my dryer’s on the blink

Please make it work again.

Or failing that, just stop the rain

Until it’s fixed. Amen!

Twitter Sonnet

In place of speech, I sit me down to write

A burst of words to send upon their way,

Across the wires and waves, unto the sight

Of others who have like for like to say.

A pun or two, a hashtag, if you will,

A pithy statement on the news just read.

In jest alone, intending no great ill,

Not wishing harm upon another’s head.

But nought will dredge itself up from the gloom

No words full fit to grace the shimm’ring screen.

So, sit I here ‘til darkness fills the room,

Reflecting on the lines that might have been.

My plans have come to nought and are defeated

For on this night, I shall not be retweeted.

Twitter Blues

Woke up this morning.  I lay in my bed.

The thought of getting out of it

Just filled me with some kind of dread.

I force myself to the keyboard

And I search right through my head,

But every thing I want to say has already been said!

 

 I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues!

 

I could riff on the rules of Fight Club.  That’s got to be worth a try.

But I’m not allowed to talk about that!

It makes me want to cry!

Or a horse could walk into a bar,

The barman’s got something to say

About someone’s long face, it’s just a disgrace!

There must be a better way!

 

I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues!

 

So I read through the news for material

And an article catches my eye.

It involves a Tory minister

And the thoughts begin to fly!

I type in a kind of fever

‘Til I’m happy I got it all right!

But then somebody writes “ You can’t tweet that!

I did that one last night!”

 

I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of something new to say on Twitter’ blues! 

 

I got the blues!

Oh, yes, I got the blues!

I got the ‘can’t think of a single thing that ain’t already been said on Twitter blues’!

Oh Yeaaaahh!