Nigel, It’s Cold Outside!


NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        Nigel, it’s cold outside!

NIGEL:                       We’ve got to get away!

NICK:                        But Nigel, it’s cold outside!

NIGEL:                       The EU has been

NICK:                        We’d all be much better in!

NIGEL:                       So bad for us!

NICK:                        You UKIP types make such a fuss!

NIGEL:                       Romanians are planning invasions!

NICK:                        It’s just in your imaginations!

NIGEL:                       Bulgarians are on their way here!

NICK:                        Some therapy might help with that fear!

NIGEL:                       We’re safeguarding jobs and houses

NICK:                        I really think you’re all mouth and trousers!

NIGEL:                       So, we propose to padlock the door!

NICK:                        I don’t know what you’re worrying for!

NIGEL:                       The neighbours all stink!

NICK:                        Nigel, there’s wealth out there!

NIGEL:                       I feel like a drink!

NICK:                        There’s fine German beer out there!

NIGEL:                       I’m sure this is how

NICK:                        You sound a bit desperate now!

NIGEL:                       To win more seats!

NICK:                         Your party’s full of nuts and freaks.

NIGEL:                       We have to say “No, no, no!”, sir.

NICK:                        The union’s going to keep growing closer!

NIGEL:                       At least I have some national pride!

NICK:                        A wilderness awaits us outside!

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        You don’t even turn up!!

NIGEL:                       (SIMULTANEOUSLY) It won’t be that cold outside!

NICK:                        (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Oh, but it’s cold outside!           

NIGEL:                       This island is packed!

NICK:                        Your name doesn’t come from here!

NIGEL:                       We just have to act!

NICK:                        Your wife doesn’t come from here!

NIGEL:                       We’re making a stand!

NICK:                        You’re drinking another beer!

NIGEL:                       Why can’t you see?

NICK:                         We’ll lose our trade – where will we be?

NIGEL:                       The people want to make this decision!

NICK:                        They also want to win Eurovision!

NIGEL:                       We want the right to do things our way!

NICK:                        As long as you’re not married and gay!

NIGEL:                       We really can’t stay!

NICK:                        Why not move to Scotland?

NIGEL/NICK:             Because it’s coooooold ooooooutsiiiiide!

My brood


My little boy no longer, but a man,

I wonder at his strength, of many kinds,

Such as the gift of writing that he can

Use subtly to capture people’s minds.

His songs, his tales, his poetry just soars

And frees me from the mundane and the dull,

He turns a laughing eye upon my flaws

And makes my glass perpetually full.


So many times I look at him and see

The tiny child that clung onto my hand

Who’s still inside the man in front of me,

To whom I tilt my head up as I stand.

I see his skills and know he will achieve

Those things that form the substance of his dreams,

And all who watch him work also believe

That he will be the master of life’s schemes.


She’s full of life and promise, on her way

To a future of her own unbound design.

She says things I would never think to say

I don’t know how I dare to call her mine.

She makes me laugh too often to recall

The words she twists and turns to make her own.

She leaps with style although she  fears the fall.

She’s not a sheep, It’s she who sets her tone.


My little one, the baby of my four,

Displays to all the world a certain grace.

A dancer who can halt the room before

Her as she sets a sweet and measured pace.

She’s finding where she fits as time goes by

By trying every chance that wanders in,

By asking what and when and where and why

And when it’s time she lets the song begin.