You know that thing where you have absolutely loads of things to do but you don’t do anything because you just don’t know where to start. Well, that’s what’s going on with me. There are house-y things to do: school uniforms to wash, as well as dinner dishes, and the living-room needs sorting before somebody is killed by an avalanche of shoes, schoolbags and empty water bottles.
It could happen; I remember a similar catastrophe a few years back. I think it happened in my bedroom and involved the 17 pairs of slippers (which I seem to have inexplicably accrued whilst only having 3 pairs of outdoor shoes, and to be honest, one of those is really a pair I ‘borrowed’ from my daughter and ‘forgot’ to give back), a stack of Killer Sudoku magazines and Terry Pratchett’s entire back catalogue. Although, I might have dreamt it.
I’ve been promising myself I’d sort out my wardrobe for a while now: about 14 years! I suspect that if I got Time Team in to do the job for me they’d be fascinated by the suppositions they could make as each new stratum is revealed. It might go like this:
Tony: As you can see, Phil is very carefully dusting away the topsoil so as to preserve the integrity of the finds and …oooh! I think he’s got something interesting. He’s looking very excited.
Phil: Come and have a look at this. Don’t come across many of these …
Tony: What is it?
Phil: It’s a jacket …with shoulder pads. Made from sponge. You can tell it’s an early example, because the sponge isn’t even covered by any kind of fabric. And the jacket has the sleeves rolled up.
Tony: Is that significant?
Phil: Very! It pre-dates the age of good taste.
Tony: Has anything else turned up?
Phil: Nothing as interesting, but we’ve observed a curious thing. The garments get smaller and smaller, the further down we go. LOOK AT THIS. (Holds up red label Levi 501s.) Can’t be more than a 28”. Fascinating when you compare it to these nylon tracksuit pants we found near the top layer.
Tony: Yes, the Levis would fit down one leg.
Tony: I think I’m recognising some mediaeval items there. There are at least three garments that Baldrick would have worn.
Phil: No, Tony. That’s her newest stuff!
(Cut to both men, shaking their heads in disbelief.)
So that’s why I haven’t got Time Team to do it, despite them being the experts on excavation. Also, I’m worried they might find some decaying king or other under my Cream vests and the T-shirt with Garfield on it.
There are other things I should be doing. I should be mending the fence that had the middle blown out of it last week. Strong winds, not explosives. Actually, that would be a really good place to start because next door’s children keep wandering around my ‘garden’ (Inverted commas used because that’s another job on the list) and inviting their friends. I assume they’re playing explorers. I also assume they’ve left the garden, but I can’t be 100% certain of that because they’re shorter than the grass.
There are other jobs I won’t bore you with. Did you say ‘Too late?’ Well, anyway, I have a long list. Or I would have a long list if I had written a list, but I haven’t got around to it. Maybe THAT’s where I should start. Better go; I’ve got a list to put off writing!